UnBiological Clock

If You Ask Me One More Time…

A good friend of mine and I just got over the stomach flu. We were talking the other day and she said that they most annoying thing was how the women at work reacted to the news of her throwing up. They all wanted to know if she was pregnant.

Since the day I got married (and don’t get me started on how that made it magically acceptable), I’ve had people, men and women, asking me if I’m pregnant anytime I say that my stomach is bothering me. I haven’t heard the “Oh my God, what if you’re pregnant!?!” line this much since we were teenagers. Insert overly excited adult instead of totally horrified teenager.

Sometimes I just want to say, “Yeah. I’m pregnant and have been waiting for this moment to tell you, woman-that- I-say-‘Hello’-to-at-the-copier. The stomach flu excuse is just a ruse for all of my close friends and family not to find out yet.” It’s as if they think that my telling anyone that I threw up or my stomach hurts is really an invitation to ask me about my personal life decisions and not an explanation for missing work.

Just the other day, I made the mistake of telling a coworker that my stomach hurt. She pipes right up with her groundbreaking pregnancy theory. I informed her that it was probably more from my lack of gallbladder but she continued to insist that since I had never been pregnant before I wouldn’t know. Huh? I haven’t had a gallbladder since 2002; I’m pretty sure I know what that pain feels like.

Then there is my friend, who has already had a baby, and pointed out that she already knows what it is like to be pregnant. That didn’t stop her coworkers from pursuing the idea that she was pregnant again. Do they really think that she is just waiting for them to ask so that she can tell them?

I guess I’m still not over the invasion of privacy that comes with being pregnant. Why do any of these people think that it is any of their business? If I’m pregnant and you are an important person in my life, I will tell you, not just shout it out at the copier because you asked. And if you are a random person, I guess my stomach or maturity leave will have to give it away.

I have to go now. My stomach is bothering me. And please don’t ask.

10 Year, Baby!

The strangest thing has been coming over my group of friends this month.  Everyone is nervous, excited, or annoyed.  The tension in the air is palpable but no one will admit why they are so freaked out.  And it is all our ten year high school reunion's fault!  Some of us are on diets.  Others are making up excuses not to go.  But all of us share the common feeling of not believing that we are this old and wondering what we have done with the last ten years of our lives.

There are the PhDs, the world travelers, and the financial successes that have nothing to worry about.  They have an answer.  And there are people with the absolutely adorable family with 2.5 kids, the white picket fence, and the perfect dog.  They have proof that what they have been doing is worth while.  Then there are the rest of us.  Mediocre jobs, unfinished education, slight detours from the path laid before us on that glorious day in June 0f 2000.  What are we supposed to say?

A friend of mine was telling me that she was having a small crisis of un-accomplishment when thinking about having the "What have you been up to?" conversation with people.  She is a nurse, which I think is beyond admirable, and owns her own house but is single and the women she works with are constantly telling her that she can't have babies forever.  It was then suggested to her that she take her dog to the Family Day reunion events and talk about how hard he was to housebreak and train.  I could be right there with her talking about how hard it is taking care of four geriatric cats but why do we have to validate what we have been doing by showing that we have been caring for someone besides ourselves?  No one expects any of the men at our reunion to explain if they're not married or don't have kids.

I don't know how much of this is pressure that we put on each other or that we put on ourselves.  I said above that I think what my friend has accomplished is amazing but I can't seem to see my own life that way.  I'm lucky enough to live far away and can't go back to the reunion but I know that if I was there I would be scrambling for an explanation as to why I hadn't used my film degree and figuring out how to explain what I do without using the word secretary.  And it is silly.  Everyone does things are their own pace and can accomplish great things at any time.  I know this.  And yet, I can't seem to tell myself that either.

Scheduling Baby

So I have discovered the second most annoying thing people say behind "When are you going to have a baby?"  And it is the opposite!  "Don't get pregnant and have a baby then because I have: a wedding, conference, double lobotomy, whatever that month."  Not only do people think they should know when you're starting a family but apparently they think that is okay to let you know when it isn't convenient for them.  And with someone constantly getting married or planning trips in advance, it's hard to find time to have a baby!

You asked me when we were having kids and I said not for a while and then you proceed to tell me why it doesn't fit in your schedule?  What if I was already pregnant?  How would you feel then?  Have a ruined your day?  You're not supposed to tell people that you're pregnant for three months but some people don't hesitate to tell you when you shouldn't have a baby not even thinking that it is already a possibility.

I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that they are implying that I will be having a baby soon because I have nothing better to do.  I said we were waiting so believe me!  And even if we aren't, it is my body and my prerogative.  I still can't get over how many people that I barely know who think it is their right to comment on my body and life decisions.  We aren't talking about my hair color here!

I'm not happy about having to go nine months without a drink as it is.  The last thing I want to be worrying about it whether or not my pregnancy fits into your schedule.  And if you're out of town on a non-refundable trip, I'm sorry I can't say that I will miss you at the hospital.

Godchild

I passed another milestone on my way to motherhood this week:  I'm really excited about a baby's birth.  Now no offense to all of my lovely friends and relatives that have beautiful children already.  I love them all and looked forward to all of them coming but I'm finally at the stage where I can't wait.  For the rest of you still holding out on having kids with me, don't worry I had a minor freakout about birth control this week so I still know that I'm not completely ready.

What has got me beyond thrilled is that I'm going to be a Godmother.  One of my oldest and bestest friends is having a baby girl and I along with another one of my good friends get to be a very special part of her life.  I didn't really know that it would affect me this way.  Maybe because I have never been an aunt before, the closest that I have ever gotten is a first cousin once removed?  Or maybe it is because I will always be a unique part of this little girl's life?  But I do know that the most likely reason is because I'm so close to her mom.

I've never had a sister but I had the most amazing girlfriends growing up.  And I count my blessings everyday that those girls, now wonderful women, are still in my life.  My friend asking me to play this role in her daughter's life means so much to me.  I can't wait to hold the baby!  I never thought I would say that in my life!!! 

I think that knowing that she is my best friend's child is what has gotten me so excited.  We started kindergarten together, lived through junior high together, went to dances together, cried through broken hearts together, and stood up at each other's weddings.  And I know that she is just as scared about going into motherhood as I am.  But she knows that I'm there for her just as I know that she will be there for me.  She won't judge me if I hold the baby wrong or make her cry.  She will laugh and tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it.  I love that.  I'm so lucky to have a friend like her.  And I'm so fortunate to get to be a part of her little girl's life.  Forever.

Baby Glamoured

The strangest thing happened Wednesday night while I was watching Modern Family.  I couldn't take my eyes off of baby Lily.  She was just the cutest little thing in the scene.  I found that I couldn't concentrate on what the actors were saying because I was overwhelmed with how adorable she was.  This has never happened to me before on TV or real life.  Babies have been ever so slowly getting cuter but they have never been distracting.  I felt totally ridiculous.  And a little relieved.

I was so worried that it was never going to happen.  That I was never going to really like babies.  Let alone love them.  I kind of figured that eventually I would just have them and remind myself that I needed to go through that phase to get to kids.  That they would be my babies and I would love them but I really wouldn't enjoy them.  Now I have hope that will change.

For the first time, I got that "Awe" feeling that I get when I see kittens and puppies.  I would have willingly held her without any coxing from her dads.  That is a huge step for me.  I don't know if this is a freak occurrence and she is the only baby that I'm enamored with but I'm not going to pursue it further.  I'm just going to let it happen, waiting to see how I feel when I see babies on TV, in my neighborhood, or in the store.  I'm trusting the longer we wait to have kids the more I will want one and maybe I will actually be excited to have a baby.

Becoming Your Mother

Becoming your mother seems to be one of those fears universal to all women no matter how wonderful their mother was.  Whether it is her post-menopausal hips or her passive-aggressive means of getting her way, the worst thing a sibling or spouse can say is that you are turning into your mother.  I know this because my brother has been saying it to me since I graduated high school.  And it gets me every time.

But what, especially if you had a spectacular mother, are we so afraid of?  There is a little part of us that is always judging this woman whom we look up to for everything.  She has taught us what it is to be a woman and unfortunately we have also picked up her insecurities.  While she teaching us about relationships, good manners, and how to take care of our bodies, we became acutely aware of what things we didn't like about her.  It could be her lack of education or how she has gained weight or her unwillingness to stand up to a badgering relative.  It must be our fear of being or becoming those things that make us so hard on her.

I worry about a lack of patience.  And rightly so.  Last night my husband was playing with a bouncy ball the size of his fist that someone at work gave him.  (Thanks, K!)  Being a giant bouncy ball, it of course got out of control in the kitchen and knocked the phone over.  I asked him to stop.  I was busy making dinner.  Did he stop?  Of course not.  So a few seconds later I hear a crash and turn around to see my cell phone flying through the air along with the bouncy ball.  I found myself yelling, "Goddamnit, Justin!"

Now luckily it was my 28 year old husband I was yelling at and not my six year old child.  But it was only two bounces.  Kids are experts at doing the same thing over and over to drive you insane and I only made it two bounces!  How am I going to deal with them without a boatload of Xanex?  That is my fear.  I think that most moms do the best they can and that no one is perfect.  So give your mom a break this Mother's Day and appreciate her for all of her great qualities and just ignore everything else.  But please, whatever you do, don't call me my mother.

Subliminal Baby

I've already said that I'm an advertiser's dream.  I've had a glass of wine and ordered a pizza just because I saw them on TV more than a few times.  I've wondered if I'm that susceptible to overt advertising heaven only knows what I'm doing from subliminal messages.  So now I'm trying to use it on my husband and myself.

Ever since a close friend of mine got pregnant, I find myself talking more and more about when I have kids.  At first I thought that I should stop because not only was it freaking my husband out but I was getting nervous, too.  Talking about things seems to make them more real.  We used to start sentences about our kids with "Someday when we have kids…" but now it has turned into just "When we have kids…"  Part of me thinks that is a good thing and part of me still wants to go screaming for the hills.  It is kind of like waiting for a major surgery.  You know that you need the surgery, that although there could be complications there probably won't be, and that your life will be better afterwards.  But none of that makes going under the knife any less scary.

Therefore I'm trying to psych my husband and myself into it.  I don't know if he has noticed but I casually mention our kids golfing with him or cooking with me.  I know that I'm jumping forward quite a few steps but I figure I should start with the good stuff.  And I also slide in things about our cats interacting with a toddler or where we will move my writing desk when the room becomes a nursery.  This all may sound sick and manipulative but I'm hoping it works on me as much as him.  I guess I'm thinking the sooner we get used to the idea of kids, the sooner we will want to have them.

Pod Mommies

Last July, I read an article on MSNBC about women who gave up their children in a divorce (Moms Reveal Why They Gave Up Their Children).  I've been thinking about it lately because of the woman sending her adopted child back to Russia in the news.  I don't know anything about that case but after I read the article in July I wasn't quite sure how I felt so I clicked on the comments to see what other people thought.  I was horrified.

The amount of terrible things that people, who didn't even know these women, were saying appalled me.  Who were they to judge these women?  Were they all perfect mothers who had never made a single mistake in their child's life?  Had they always put their child's needs before their own no matter what?  Did they absolutely love every second of motherhood including dirty diapers, unreasonable screaming, body changes, and a lack of a social life?  Would admitting if they didn’t make them bad mothers?  Are they Pod Mommies?

I'm all for supporting other women.  I think that women spend entirely too much time attacking each other instead of helping each other.  That said, there are a pack of women out there who are taking down the team.  They are ruining reasonable expectations from men, what is considered socially acceptable when it comes to child rearing, and basically any good time a women who has a baby can expect to have without that baby.  These woman need to be stopped in their lies and brainwashing and all women need to wake up and realize that there is more to life than procreating.

I'm sick and tired of mothers thinking that have any right to judge another woman about her reproductive rights based on the fact that they pushed out another mouth to feed.  Just because you have a healthy baby and did things a certain way doesn't mean that you are automatically right.  Nor does it mean that you are a better mother than someone who does it differently.  I think that people with PhDs are really the only ones qualified to make the decision on what is best for a baby.

The rest is all guilt.  It is guilt that you don't have more time to spend with your baby.  It is guilt that you don't have enough money to buy the baby the best things.  It is the guilt that you don't love your baby enough.  Why are we so worried that if a mother doesn't make a baby the center of her universe that she doesn't love it enough?  Hello, people!  Babies were for growing into children to work the family farm up until about 80 years ago.  Is it because we as a society have blamed every human flaw on the perpetrator's mother not loving them enough?  That's crap!  We are raising a bunch of spoiled brats that can't do anything without mommy or daddy's help.

Women need to stop judging other women for their choices.  You gave up your career and have dedicated your life to your children.  Good for you.  I hope that they all turn out beautifully and you feel fulfilled.  But don't get your panties in a wad about the working mother down the street or the stay-at-home mom in your play group who still likes to go out without her kids every weekend.  As long as the kids are being raised in a safe and loving home who cares?  And can we please talk about something other than your kids for once.  You were a smart, vibrant woman before children and had insightful, interesting opinions on things outside your wonderful growing family. 

I think that it would do all women some good to get a little perspective on this.  We need to stop competing with each other over things that don't matter.  Raise your kids your own way and respect the way others raise theirs.  Then we might actually have an interesting discussion instead of wasting our time with mean gossip.

Guilt Pains

"Don't let your migraine become someone else's pain."  This is the tagline of an Excedrin Migraine TV ad.  It's said over a black and white image of a mother swinging around her daughter on a beach.  It promises that it will get rid of your migraine in one dosage so that you can quit ruining your child's life.

I have so many problems with this ad that I don't know where to start.  It speaks volumes to the problem with women in this country not thinking that they are worth it.  It doesn't even matter if it is a mother and child in the ad.  It is telling women that even if you aren't worth stopping the pain of your migraine, the other people in your life are.  How dare your headache infringe on other people?

I'm all for putting your child's need before your own in most cases.  But a migraine?  People throw up from the pain and I'm supposed to be sad because little Molly can't go play on the beach?  It really bothers me that advertisers have stooped to the level of guilting women into taking care of themselves not so they are happy but so the other people in their life are happy.  Has the self esteem of women gotten so low that taking medicine for a migraine has to be a selfless act?  How are we going to teach our daughters to respect themselves if we don't even respect ourselves?

The idea of the selfless mother is a great fantasy.  The house is always clean, dinner is always on time, and all activities revolve around her children.  But this imaginary woman has been sending real, hard-working, wonderful mothers to the loony bin for decades.  And now even when she is sick she is being called on the carpet by a corporation for ruining her daughter's day at the beach?  Life is hard enough without feeling guilty over things that we can't control.  I think it is time that women everywhere stop being so hard on each other and start patting one another on the back for doing the best they can.  And then ask a mother if you can watch her kids so she can go to the spa.  She may not know it but she deserves it.

Wine-Thirty

Is it wine-thirty, yet?  This is a question I ask myself a couple of times a week.  When I’m having a bad day, when I’m meeting friends for happy hour, or when I have spent a long holiday with family.  Now before you judge me as an alcoholic, let me say that I’m not talking about binge drinking here.  I’m talking about a glass or two when cooking or three with friends.  Not to say that I’m not against binge drinking but it does have its time and place and that is mostly at special events.  Unless of course, it was a really, really bad day.

I know that wine, cabernet specifically, is going to be the hardest thing for me to give up while pregnant.  I can go without caffeine, I already don’t like seafood, and I only get hungry for bologna once every couple of years (let’s just hope that when I’m pregnant is an off year!).  But to give up wine I know will be torture.  I am an advertiser's dream.  I see characters on my favorite sitcom eating pizza; guess what I’m having for dinner?  I see a smiling woman in an ad enjoying fat free yogurt; I buy a case of it at the store that week.  I’m watching a couple have dinner in a romantic comedy with big, round, glorious glasses of red wine on the table; I’m at the liquor store buying cabernet.  In my sweats.  On a Tuesday.  (Yes, I’m classy like that.)

Now I know that I can have the occasional glass of wine when I’m pregnant and it won’t hurt the baby.  People drank for centuries while pregnant and somehow our race survived.  But what if I can’t stop at the occasional glass?  What if I don’t want to?  I wish I was one of those people who didn’t like to drink.  Who was high on life all the time.  But I’m not.  I think that drinking makes all things in life, the ups and the downs, better.  There is a reason that it is involved in almost all momentous occasions and celebrations in life including weddings and funerals.  And I know that nine months isn’t an eternity (let’s not worry about breast feeding for right now, okay?) but is it bad that I’m trying to plan when I get pregnant based on how many weddings I have to go to that year?